


I want to exorcise the demons from your past

by DetectiveOfTheEast, MagicKaitō1412 (naosuki)



Series: Impetuous Souls [15]
Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Angst, Derogatory Language, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Non-Consensual Kissing, Panic Attacks, in the past and not between the boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23319445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DetectiveOfTheEast/pseuds/DetectiveOfTheEast, https://archiveofourown.org/users/naosuki/pseuds/MagicKait%C5%8D1412
Summary: He trusted Hakuba.“At least tell me why, I deserve no less than that. He's my best friend, god damn it.”For Hakuba's sake, Heiji tries to choke back his anger as good as possible.Fuck.
Relationships: Hakuba Saguru/Hattori Heiji
Series: Impetuous Souls [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1517900
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	I want to exorcise the demons from your past

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DetectiveOfTheEast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DetectiveOfTheEast/gifts).



> For your convenience, a short definition of certain words:
> 
> Okama = mainly derogatory term for gay men; means "kettle" - though it's being reclaimed (apparently, don't quote me on that)  
> Konketsuji = derogatory term for someone who has only one Japanese parent ("halfbreed", I suppose? Again, don't quote me)

While it may not have been within either of their plans - Hattori simply wanting to spend time with Hakuba, and Hakuba never even expecting Heiji to show up - they ended up spending a lot more time in the Love Hotel than either of them could have foreseen.

After having had intercourse on more than one occasion, having slept, with Hakuba embracing Heiji, and then having had sex one more time, they showered, had breakfast, and got ready to leave.

They are about to leave the building when a well-known face appears before them. Heiji knew the guy, must have met him somewhere before, and then it promptly comes back to him: It's that lubricious douchebag who had touched Saguru with his sleazy hands that one night they had been drunk at the Ellery Queen's Bar.

If Heiji hadn't interrupted that guy's selfish scheme, they probably would have. . . he doesn't even want to think about it, otherwise it'll make him feel nauseous.

Needless to say, the provocative bastard has the audacity to talk to them - he wouldn't let this chance slip past him, naturally.

“Fancy seeing you here. The konketsuji okama and his boyfriend, in a love hotel nonetheless. You just wanted this guy for yourself, huh?”

Even though he is clearly talking to Saguru, Harada looks straight at Heiji, a malicious smirk tugging on his lips, and the Osakan tries his hardest to stay calm, not wanting to lose his composure over some insufferable jerk.

Hakuba tenses up. He has no idea why Harada is bringing Heiji into this, but at the very least his commentary was exclusively towards the Londoner himself, not really showing much hostility towards the other detective per se.

“I am deeply sorry, but it would appear that we are in a hurry, so if you would please excuse us-”

Heiji wants to ignore him, wants to walk past him without paying Harada any mind, he truly isn't worth their time. From the corner of his eye, he can see that poor Hakuba gets visibly nervous, even apologises without having to, making anger bubble up inside of him at the sight.

But as they say, when it rains, it pours, and Harada then commits a fatal mistake.

“He's an easy lay, isn't he?”

“What did ya say!?”

The woman who had accompanied Harada leaves, fortunately, because Heiji is incapable of controlling his temper any longer and immediately runs up to Sōta.

Heiji seizes him by the collar, effectively pushing him up against the wall behind him. All he could think of in that moment is that he feels strongly protective about Hakuba, and it made him simmer with rage for Sōta to treat him that way.

“I'll make ya choke on yer words if ya ever dare ta say that about him again, asshole!”

Saguru's eyes widen.

It all happens so quickly, Hakuba doesn't even have the time to react, merely being able to watch in shocked terror as things get heated. The scene in front of him is nothing like what he's become used to, Heiji's composure is different, leaving less space to be exploited.

Hattori isn’t just mad at Harada, not like he had been with Saguru himself in the past, no. The Osakan is absolutely fuming with rage, ready to clearly show his intentions to the other man.

This might be bad.

“Heiji-kun! It's  _ fine _ , it's not worth it,  _ come on _ .” He all but shouts, holding onto the darker detective’s arm in an attempt to keep things under control.

For a split second, Heiji actually attempts to reassess the situation. Hakuba's sudden presence is more than enough to tame his fiery temper, he doesn't want the other to feel uncomfortable due to his own actions.

If the guy's hostility would have been directed at Heiji, the Kansai detective would have been able to deal with it in a more level-headed fashion. However, if the nonsensical hatred aims at Saguru, it becomes exceedingly difficult to keep quiet.

After all, Hattori wasn't the type to simply let things happen and do nothing, his heart far too big and his sense of justice much more pronounced.

He is about to let it slide, against all odds, when Hakuba’s voice tries to lull him into a calmer state of mind. The blond almost manages to appease Heiji, he can feel him tightening his grip, and for him, he might be able to calm himself despite the obnoxious staring, but Harada just had to up the ante.

“You should listen to him, he knows his place.” Harada chuckles weakly, staring Hattori down as he tries to seem more intimidating through their height difference and his quickly regained composure.

This time, Saguru flinches. Commentary about his interest in men wasn't uncommon, and he even heard people talk about his dual heritage on more than one occasion.

Talk about knowing his place, however? That was rare, and it sure stings. Unconsciously, his grip on Hattori tightens, and he takes a deep breath in an attempt to steel himself.

Within a matter of milliseconds, Heiji abandons all rational thought and with one purposeful motion of his knee, he forcefully kicks Sōta in the stomach.

It all happens very fast and Heiji doesn't realise what he has done until he sees Harada convulse with pain. This is what was coming for him if he kept insisting on pushing his buttons.

“Now listen ta me, idiot: Keep yer damn mouth shut from now on, otherwise I can assure you that this'll happen again!”

Hattori’s grip on Sōta's collar tightens once again, pushing him upward in order to get a good look at the other boy while his stormy eyes practically gouge holes into his opponent's head.

“Take a chance and touch him again, I'll beat the living daylights out of ya–”

Despite looking more than just a little taken aback - the pain evident on his face - Harada is about to open his mouth yet again when Hakuba quickly covers it tightly with his hand, placing his other hand on Heiji's in an attempt to get the detective to release his former client.

“I wouldn't test him if I were you.”

Once again, memories come flooding back to him; Heiji tearing Harada away from him, telling the man not to lay a finger on him. Heiji, prattling on about how he would give people a taste of his kendo skills.

Under any other circumstances, he would actually take a moment to ponder about this. The current predicament, however, denies him from doing so, as Hakuba barely even dares to remove his hand from Harada's mouth.

“Let him go, Heiji. You don't have to go to such lengths for me.”

Hattori slowly ceases from manhandling Harada, although it takes him a moment to release him completely, the heat of his breath still lingering on Heiji's face. He takes a step back, eyes not diverting from his target, and ultimately obliges to do as Saguru told him.

The last thing he needed is for this to escalate into something much more ugly, which would only conclude with Sōta obtaining the satisfaction he was looking for in the first place.

Guilt is flooding through Saguru at that moment. Hattori would protect those he cares about - because Heiji  _ does _ care about him, Saguru isn't blind, he knows that much - at all costs. He would never let anyone touch them if he could help it.

Meanwhile, Hakuba himself had been someone who did just that: Lay a hand on someone the Osakan cares about without any prior warning. He doesn't deserve Heiji's kindness.

“Don't be mistaken, Harada Sōta-kun. I seduced him, so he's not like me, and definitely not like you either. Don't you ever dare to compare yourself to him  _ ever _ again, otherwise his wrath will be the least of your worries.”

Begrudgingly, Heiji listens to Saguru's words, not liking how he had lied about seducing him. The hot-headed detective didn't want to undermine his confidence in front of Sōta, that is why he keeps quiet until Hakuba grabs his arm, drags him away, and they're out of earshot.

“I really hope ya don't actually believe that.”

A pause follows, heavy with meaning. Heiji isn't looking at the Londoner, his eyes focused on the ground instead, hence why his trademark cap covers up his face slightly.

“‘I seduced him, he's not like me’? What's that about, Saguru-kun?”

Saguru does his best not to flinch when Hattori speaks up, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath as he comes to a halt. Only when he himself decides to respond does he turn to face Heiji, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Let me ask you this: Would you have ever embraced me if I hadn't come onto you in your flat? I highly doubt it, considering that your interests up until that point merely involved that childhood friend of yours and perhaps even that Detective of the East.”

On the inside, Heiji trembles with fear, dreading what will inevitably come next. Hakuba's voice sounds different somehow, and the unreadable expression on his face doesn't help to reduce his anxious gut feeling one bit. He doesn't have the chance to get a word in edgewise, however, which is why he stays completely silent.

He looks straight at Saguru's pretty face now, hanging on his every word as his thoughts race a mile per hour. Gritting his teeth, Heiji quietly pushes his hands into his jeans pockets. 

All things considered, he probably wouldn't have slept with Hakuba, if Hakuba hadn't suddenly appeared that day, although that doesn't make his feelings for him and the things they did any less real. They had a bumpy start, so what?

Hakuba takes another deep breath, already preparing himself to lose Hattori Heiji, and thus deciding to come clean.

“Be that as it may, there was no need for you to protect me from someone like him, especially considering that he only spoke the truth. I told you that I didn't turn many offers down, didn't I? Similarly, it is true that my mother was not a Japanese woman, nor do I have a huge interest in women - and those I am interested in are mainly, as some would put it, able to kick my arse. All that aside, it is a sheer miracle that you haven't been told one little detail already, as I am sure you would not stand in front of me like this if you had been.”

It angers Heiji to no end to hear Saguru say that Sōta had only spoken the truth. 

Regardless of Hakuba's experiences, that arrogant arse had gone way too far, talked down to him, had even used derogatory language, and Hakuba truly believed that man to have spoken the truth?

There is no question about it, this was harassment, presumably because Sōta didn't get his way with him, and Saguru is seriously just going to take it? It's disheartening, to say the least.

As Hakuba gets ready to be hit or be shouted at, he thinks about how he should have come clean much sooner, should have told Hattori, should have apologised to Kudō and Kuroba. 

And yet, he never found the courage to.

“I am just as bad as Harada. I kissed Kudō Shinichi-kun, and I don't believe he enjoyed that very much. Sorry to disappoint you, Hattori-kun.”

It’s like a fist to Heiji’s face.

He couldn't comprehend what he'd just been told. Hakuba Saguru, the Londoner detective he has become so fond of, kissed Kudō Shinichi.

Shinichi, his best friend, who didn't manage to kiss Ran, even though he loved her dearly. 

The Kudō Shinichi, who's basically incapable of doing anything remotely romantic, and his former crush at that. Heiji wasn't one to talk when it came to romantic matters, but that doesn't matter right now.

He kissed Kudō, doubtless, without his consent.

Wide-eyed, Hattori stands there, not saying a word. He can practically feel his heart crack, throbbing in anguish, but he won't allow himself to cry in public. First of all, he needs to understand what happened.

“Why did ya. . . why did ya kiss Kudō?”

There it is. The shocked expression the Londoner so much dreaded, the disappointment, the hurt. As could be expected, considering how he did something unforgivable to both, Hattori and Kudō.

“Does it matter?” Saguru mutters.

Truth be told, he is feeling kind of dizzy right now, the anxiety over losing someone who cared about him up until this point finally catching up with him. He's no longer looking at Heiji, merely seeing blurred shapes in his spot, eyes far away and unfocused.

“Albeit I do suppose that the truth would come to light sooner or later either way, so I might as well tell you now. As I previously explained to you, there was someone I was actively interested in. As it just so happens, that very someone became interested in Kudō-kun, and vice versa. Long story short, I practically ambushed him on a date with Kuroba-kun, completely foregoing my original intent of merely talking to him, and assaulted Kudō-kun.”

Heiji can see that Hakuba's not in his right mind, but considering the blond's behaviour, Heiji feels justified in being upset with the other detective right now. He takes an almost unnoticeable step towards him, subconsciously needing to be closer, put his hand on his shoulder to console him, although he doesn't manage to do anything when a certain word catches his attention.

_ Assault _ .

He doesn't understand.

He wants to, he absolutely  _ needs  _ to, but he can't.

Above all, Heiji has next to no plausible idea on how to react to Saguru's confession. The rational section of his brain desperately desires to ask why, frantically searching for some kind of explanation on its own.

With no word does the Londoner truly explain himself. What for? No explanation, no further detail, would make any of this undone, would make any of this okay. That would only serve as an excuse for Saguru’s own wrong behaviour, and he doesn’t want that.

“I haven't apologised, either, despite having met him since then. I'd assume that just goes to show that I am not who you thought I was, am I wrong, Hattori-kun? Don't waste your energy,  _ that _ was just karma. I’m sorry you got dragged into this.”

Once the Osakan realises that Saguru had actually reverted to using his surname instead of his first name, he abruptly abandons his train of thought. With an irrepressible force, tears are starting to well up in his eyes and he genuinely hopes that Hakuba doesn't notice, so he can at least keep some of his dignity intact.

“If ya don't plan on explaining yerself soon, I'm leaving.”

Right now, all Heiji perceives is the sheer insurmountable weight of the vulnerability that he has to endure. Taking into account that he still isn't over his last break-up and, on top of that, the fact that Saguru and him had slept together mere hours ago, he simply shuts down emotionally. The boy can barely take any more than what he had already been dealt.

Saguru cannot breathe.

No matter how much he tries, the air filling his lungs just isn't enough.

Hakuba feels like he's drowning, thinks this may be worse than actually drowning at this point, but he has to carry on, somehow.

Heiji wants to leave, and Saguru has, in no way whatsoever, the right to stop him. "If you want to leave, then perhaps you should just leave." He mumbles, barely audible and yet harrowingly loud at the same time.

Even still, Heiji doesn't want to just leave the blond detective here to his own devices, especially since he isn't looking well at all, yet what does Hakuba expect him to do now? This was nothing he could easily brush off – they're talking about Kudō Shinichi after all, not some stranger, but a person he admires endlessly.

He  _ trusted _ Hakuba.

“At least tell me why, I deserve no less than that. He's my best friend, god damn it.”

For Hakuba's sake, Heiji tries to choke back his anger as good as possible.

_ Fuck _ .

“Fine! I-” The Londoner starts, now desperately trying to focus on Hattori, trying to remember his face up close, expecting it to be his last chance to do so.

“I had to get a better picture of him, had to know what kind of person Kuroba-kun got involved with, and- I just. . . at first I merely wanted him to tell me what he sees in my classmate, but Kudō-kun wasn't very fond of talking to me, at least not about him.”

Just when he manages to focus on Heiji, he realises that it is too much, that seeing the Detective of the West like this is too painful, so he abandons his previous attempt of memorising his face, looking to the side instead.

Hattori simply can't believe that Hakuba would do something so horrible, and to a person he cares about no less. Have they been on speaking terms when the obtrusive kiss happened? Did Saguru know, at the time, that Hattori and Kudō were good friends?

When Hakuba speaks up again, his voice is dripping with self-hatred and sarcasm.

“I thought it unfair for him to enter Kuroba-kun's life after me and yet grow so much closer to him than I ever did. So I did the one sensible thing and kissed him.”

_ Leave. _

_ Don't leave. _

_ Leave. _

_ Don't leave. _

_ Please don't leave me. _

_ Why does he have to ruin everything good!? _

“It wasn't just a small peck, either. I even told him to pass it on to Kuroba-kun for me.”

In other words, the Londoner's main motive for his misdeed is jealousy.

This part of Hakuba's confession doesn't surprise him due to the fact that it's an emotion he became acquainted with quite deeply himself. Although it does cast some light on the precarious situation, at the very least, even if Heiji still struggles to get his head around it.

The Osakan knows of Kuroba Kaito, another student of Ekoda High School and evidently Saguru's classmate. With what little information he had, it sounded like they seem to be close - maybe closer than Kudō and Hattori himself.

It stings quite a lot to hear about it by means of a third party, but that isn't of importance at this time. In any case, he hadn't exactly been in contact with his detective buddy either, so he isn't one to talk.

As matters stand, he didn't tell him anything about Hakuba either and Heiji isn't certain if he will now.

“So. . . ya french-kissed him without his consent because ya were jealous.”

A part of Heiji longs to hug Saguru, to tell him it's going to be all right and that he will forgive him eventually, but he doesn't have the stomach for this conversation, considering he had already been holding back tears by using the last of his emotional strength for some time now. He doesn't fail to notice the utter self-loathing hidden beneath Saguru's words, although he had to tend to his own wounds first.

“Listen. . . I'll stay in Tokyo for a while longer, just so ya know, but I really need ta go.”

Hakuba barely even hears him at this point, doesn't respond anymore either, merely capable of watching. He doesn't hear how Hattori tries to soften the blow a little, telling him, most likely against better judgement, that he won't just run back to Osaka.

Because the only thing that ingrains itself in Saguru's soul are the words “ _ I really need to go _ ”. Hattori Heiji needs to leave. Because Hakuba has done something he cannot make undone, no matter how much he wishes he could.

Then, the Osakan turns his back on him, practically runs away, incapable of holding himself together any longer. Runs from Hakuba, and Saguru has never hated himself more than in this moment.

Within seconds, Saguru collapses onto his hands and knees, his body shaking uncontrollably. Thoughts about how he'd lost Heiji for good accelerate in his mind. Desperately, he tries to slow them down, tries to breathe again, tries to see again, but to no avail.

He feels like he may just black out, then and there, in the middle of the love hotel he didn't quite manage to leave yet. He needs to calm down. He needs to get out of here. He needs to get a grip on himself.

But all he can do is grasp his chest, trying to keep his heart from bursting inside of it, while his tears won't stop flowing.

_ He's gone. _

_ He's gone, it's my fault. He won't see me again, despises me, rightfully so. What have I done? I need to call someone, I need help. He's gone, I can't breathe. What number can I call? Come back. . . please don't leave me. . . come back. . . _

_ I'm sorry. _

When he finally regains control of his body, he finds himself curled up in fetal position, limbs heavy and barely capable of being used. Slowly,  _ slowly _ , he pushes himself up, has to hold onto the wall to keep him from falling right down again.

Never before had he reacted this badly to being left. Making someone leave. He still can't hear. Hattori is still gone.

Hakuba is still alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that was fun, wasn't it? (ｏ・_・)ノ”(ノ_<、)
> 
> Comments and kudos would be greatly appreciated in those tiring times


End file.
